The day we met, we both carried guitars. We sang in the park together and smoked. We were still children, convinced we knew it all. Troubled girls, grasping at straws to find comfort in the chaos. We clashed a lot. We fought. Mostly, we laughed.
Freshers in our flat. One too many secrets spilled through endless games of “Never Have I Ever…” My girlfriend, at least to every creepy guy on every night out. Ru Paul and boxed wine sleepovers. You forcing me to dance events when I always hated them. Fighting over dirty dishes and new friends. Boys (and girls) and too many heartbreaks. The pub next to Uni that we lived in, and the time in there that you ordered us 100 chicken wings, insisting that the two of us could finish them. (We barely ate half.)
You were quite literally the life and soul of every party; I remember your second student house and the nightclub you turned it into after Tramlines that year, thinking some well-placed bin bags were going to be enough to keep everything in check. I still have scars on my hands from that one particularly dreaded tequila night we had, but we didn’t stop laughing. You were truly the belly laughter, the loud-mouthed Yorkshire lass that was never anything less than herself.
But even more than all of that, you were an artist. I remember seeing you perfect the unique style of your portraits and always wanting my own piece of yours but us never getting to it; art nights where we would turn the lounge into a canvas; us always showing up late to art class and giggling our way through it.
Also, of course, your beautiful voice. Amy Winehouse renditions echoing through our shared walls. Performing with our bands back at college and you singing Gorillaz with D-Gilla.
I’m so sorry. I’m sorry the world let you down. I’m sorry you felt like this was your only option, even only for one moment. Personally, I’m sorry I made choices to distance myself a few years ago. Our last fight seems less significant now, compared to the other memories. I hope you know that I always loved you, even when that was from a distance.
I hope you found your peace, and I will always carry these memories with me. I hope you’re partying with the other girls up there. 🤍
Eliza Blooms 
Beautiful and heart rendering. Sounds like an amazing person. I lost a close friend to suicide when I was young, also a talented musician and artsy type. We had also Drifter apart some in the last year of his life. So I feel this one.
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It’s a unique and painful experience, lots of guilt and regret for time lost. But remembering her for all of these qualities seems like the best way forward now. Sorry you have had a similar experience, sending love.
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