Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) is a therapeutic approach that combines cognitive-behavioural techniques with Eastern mindfulness principles. One of the core components of DBT is Interpersonal Effectiveness, which plays a crucial role in building and maintaining healthy relationships.
In this comprehensive guide, we will explore the DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness skills, focusing on 3 core skills (DEARMAN, GIVE, FAST) and 3 additional DBT interpersonal skills (THINK, Mindfulness of Others, Ending Destructive Relationships) and provide insightful journal prompts to enhance your practice.
What are DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills?
DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness is a set of skills designed to help individuals navigate social interactions, communicate effectively, and maintain healthy relationships. These skills are particularly beneficial for those struggling with intense emotions, impulsive behaviour, personality disorders, or challenges in interpersonal dynamics.
In terms of my own BPD recovery, interpersonal effectiveness was one of the big lessons I had to learn. From ending the pool of destructive relationships surrounding me, to building the skills to start trusting again, these skills have truly changed my life. Interpersonal Effectiveness through the DBT lens allows us to regain autonomy over our actions, and ensure we are consistently acting in alignment with our priorities – to the appropriate level of intensity.
How Does Interpersonal Effectiveness Work With DBT Mindfulness?
Mindfulness underpins all the other DBT skills. You will need to come back to these skills over and over again throughout your DBT practice, as all other modules and skills require an element of mindfulness in order to be effective.
Mindfulness is the foundation of all DBT skills and modules, including Interpersonal Effectiveness. Practising DBT mindfulness involves being present in the moment, observing thoughts and emotions without judgement. It allows individuals to approach interpersonal situations with awareness and intentionality, promoting better decision-making and emotional regulation.
Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills: Understanding Your Priority Goal
In every interpersonal situation, you can identify your priority goal. This allows you to align your actions in said situation to match your goal. The skills themselves are sort-of scripts to help you reach these goals effectively.
- Objective Effectiveness
- Relationship Effectiveness
- Self-Respect Effectiveness
By focusing on these three goals, and identifying which is the priority in specific interpersonal interactions, individuals can enhance their interpersonal skills and navigate relationships more effectively, promoting overall well-being and satisfaction.
Objective Effectiveness
In objective effectiveness, the goal is to achieve a desired outcome in a specific situation. This skill involves prioritising asserting your needs and wants while secondarily maintaining self-respect and the relationship.
Example situations may include negotiating a job offer or expressing a practical issue with a colleague that needs resolving.
Relationship Effectiveness
This skill focuses on maintaining positive relationships with others. It involves prioritising the needs of the relationship, while secondarily balancing this with your own needs and values.
Example situations may include resolving conflicts with a loved one or collaborating on a group project where teamwork is paramount.
Self-Respect Effectiveness
Self-respect effectiveness involves standing up for and prioritising your own values, self-respect and beliefs while secondarily considering the impact on the relationship or the objective outcome.
Example situations may include setting boundaries with a family member or saying no to a request that goes against your principles.
3 Core DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills (And Their Goals)
Before we dive into the skills, let’s just address the elephant in the room. Yes, the DBT approach loves an acronym.
For this module in particular, all of the core skills are acronyms that work like a script to help you meet your interpersonal goals more effectively. It also helps you stick to your initial goal. For example, not giving up your values to maintain a relationship if that isn’t the priority here.
Now, let’s take a look at the 3 core DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness skills, with some skill worksheets to help you practice them.
DEARMAN (Goal: Objective Effectiveness)
DEARMAN is an acronym that stands for Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, be Mindful, Appear confident, and Negotiate. This skill is particularly useful in situations where the primary goal is to achieve a desired outcome.
My personal experience with this interpersonal skill:
In the past, I often found myself hesitating to assert my needs, fearing that doing so would strain relationships. It was during DBT that I realised the significance of DEARMAN. I started by writing out DEARMAN scripts ahead of time when my goal was to meet an objective, describing the specific points I wanted to address, expressing my thoughts and concerns clearly, and asserting my needs with confidence.
By reinforcing my points and staying mindful of the negotiation’s dynamics in the present moment, I was able to navigate the conversation smoothly. Reflecting on this experience, I recognised the transformative impact of DEARMAN in achieving my objectives without sacrificing the relationship or, perhaps more importantly for me, my self-respect.
To build DEARMAN skills, start by identifying a situation where asserting your needs is crucial. Break down the interaction using the DEARMAN steps. Practice describing your thoughts and needs concisely, expressing them assertively, and reinforcing your key points. Mindfulness plays a vital role; being aware of the situation and negotiating with confidence can significantly enhance your objective effectiveness.
GIVE (Goal: Relationship Effectiveness)
GIVE focuses on maintaining healthy relationships by using Gentle, Interested, Validate, and using an Easy manner. This skill is valuable in situations where preserving the relationship is the primary goal.
My personal experience with this interpersonal skill:
When navigating healthy relationships throughout my time in DBT, I realised the need for applying GIVE. I started approaching interactions where relationship effectiveness was crucial, with a gentle demeanor, expressing genuine interest in their thoughts and feelings. Validation became a powerful tool, acknowledging their perspective without compromising my own, and without validating the invalid.
Using an easy manner and participating fully, I aimed to make the communication flow smoothly. The impact was profound – relationships evolved positively, fostering understanding and empathy.
To build GIVE skills, focus on a non-destructive relationship that needs improvement. Practice approaching interactions with gentleness, expressing genuine interest, and validating the other person’s feelings. Incorporate an easy manner, ensuring the conversation is comfortable and open. GIVE lays the foundation for healthier relationships by prioritising validation, understanding and connection.
FAST (Goal: Self-Respect Effectiveness)
FAST emphasises being Fair, not Apologising excessively, Sticking to values, and being Truthful. This skill helps in situations where maintaining self-respect and upholding personal values are the primary goals.
My personal experience with this interpersonal skill:
In the past, I have long found myself compromising my values to avoid conflict or please others. It was in these moments that FAST became a guiding principle during DBT. Staying fair in my decisions, avoiding excessive apologies (this is still a big one), and sticking to my values allowed me to cultivate and maintain a strong sense of self-respect. Being honest, this isn’t something I’ve ever really had the skills for.
Being truthful about my beliefs and showing up in line with my own values became a powerful tool in navigating situations where my values were at stake. Through the practice of FAST, I not only upheld my integrity but also fostered a sense of self-respect that positively impacted my mental well-being.
To build FAST skills, reflect on situations where you compromised your values. Practice making fair decisions, avoiding unnecessary apologies, and staying true to your values. Truthfulness becomes a shield against internal conflict, allowing you to navigate situations with authenticity and self-respect.
3 Additional DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills
THINK
THINK is a mindfulness skill that stands for Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary, and Kind. This skill encourages individuals to be mindful of their words and actions, promoting effective communication and interpersonal interactions.
Mindfulness of Others
Practising mindfulness in interpersonal relationships involves being fully present and attuned to others’ emotions and perspectives. This skill helps in fostering empathy, understanding, and connections. Similarly to the other core DBT Mindfulness Skills, Mindfulness of Others
Ending Destructive Relationships
A sense of true safety relationships is an important part of building interpersonal skills. One crucial part of this work is ending destructive relationships that may be contributing to ongoing distress, or destructive patterns in your life. In my own experience, this can be the most monumentally difficult, but absolutely necessary step required in order to create a safe and supportive environment for yourself.
Once you end the cycle of harmful relationships in your life, you can use the other interpersonal effectiveness skills to nurture new, healthy relationships and healing your trust long-term.
Remember: please practice safety first. Before leaving a highly abusive or life-threatening relationship, call a local domestic violence hotline or the toll-free National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) for help with safety planning and a referral to a qualified professional. You can also see the International directory Of Domestic Violence Agencies (hotpeachpages.net).
Journal Prompts for DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills
- Reflect on a recent situation where you felt the need to assert your needs. How did you approach it, and what was the outcome? How could DEARMAN have been applied to enhance the interaction?
- Think about a challenging (non-destructive) relationship in your life. How can you apply GIVE principles to improve the dynamics and strengthen the connection?
- Consider a situation where you have compromised your values for the sake of a relationship. How did this affect you? Could FAST have been employed to maintain self-respect while addressing the relationship needs?
- Explore a recent interaction where mindfulness played a role in your communication. How did being Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary, and Kind contribute to the effectiveness of the interaction?
Closing Thoughts
Mastering DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness skills requires practice, self-reflection, and a commitment to building healthier relationships. By incorporating DEARMAN, GIVE, FAST, and THINK into your daily interactions, you can enhance your communication, navigate conflicts with grace, and foster meaningful connections.
Remember, the key lies in combining these skills with the foundational practice of mindfulness, creating a powerful framework for personal growth and interpersonal success.
💡 Download 20+ DBT interpersonal effectiveness skills journal prompts and templates, plus example entries from my own BPD recovery journey in my 30-page Guide To DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills.
Eliza Blooms 
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